If you hate the agency

Some adoptees target adoption agencies. They say the institution is the sole root of the problem in this transracial and transnational adoption debate. Without the agencies there would be no process to place children of color in predominantly white homes for cash money. Without the agencies, children would not get taken away from their families of origin or their home countries. Without the agencies, the world would be a better place. And the anti-adoption rhetoric goes on and on. I am not totally in disagreement with them. But like EVERY single freaking issue on the face of the earth, it is more complicated than that.

Birth mother bullseye

The reason my birth mother is the target of my non-compassion phase lately is because she is one of hundreds of thousands of women who had a chance to start her life completely over, void of responsibility. And I am sitting on the other side of the world dealing with the loss of her without any idea if she ever gave me a second thought. I am all about second chances, but for some reason her shot at a life without complications with a bastard child unnerves me and makes me feel bitterness right now.

Adoptee thoughts

I originally started this blog to document the journey I was embarking upon as an adoptee in search of my biological roots. Many of you wanted to follow because it seemed like a fascinating story, maybe one that would end with redemption and closure. But that is not how it happened for me. My search was inconclusive and painfully disappointing. After several months of putting adoption on the back burner, it has come blazing toward the surface and is generally in my thoughts.

The grit

This girl is struggling. Yes, the very same one in the photo. I love looking through old pictures of myself because I see a certain innocence that has long since gone away. The cheerful disposition is still there, but the reality of living an adult life isn’t as carefree as I dreamt it would be all those years ago. Life 2,000 miles away from everything I’ve ever known is hitting the misery zone for me lately.

National Adoption Day

There are many people in my circle of acquaintances who have experience with adoption. I know dozens of adoptive parents, a couple of birth mothers, and many adoptees. Social media is a great way to stay connected, but it is also a difficult way to get hit with post after post of all the things I dislike so much about the adoption community. I think people on all sides of the adoption spectrum have good intentions. Love is love, but marketing and monetary schemes are what drive our world and we must not be blind to why November is celebrated by so many in this particular industry.

My missing link

Soft, warm, and silent were my tears last night.
After days of a busy life, I paused to process.
Therapy was fruitful as always.
But like most weeks, it opened the gateway to the emotions I had kept so tightly under wraps.

Lost and not found

The phrase, “there is not much we can pursue any further at this point,” is something I hoped I wouldn’t have to hear in this birth search process. I’ve known of numerous successes for adoptees adopted in the ’80s, but I won’t fit into that category. Friday was a difficult day. As I sat in the conference with the VP of Adoption Services who had the responsibility to tell me the outcome, I tried not to let my sadness overwhelm me.

Overloaded with adoptee feelings

I’ve been traveling the last week and today was my first full day back in the office. I was exhausted by 4:30, so I decided not to stay late (even though I should have) and came home to relax. I have about a million and a half things to do, but I really wanted to watch an adoptee film instead. The film is titled “Somewhere Between” and it follows the journeys of four different Chinese adoptee teenage girls. My brain and my heart are on overload right now.

Adoption thought of the day

The priority is not to find the perfect child for an adoptive family. There is no catalog; we are not Sears. The ultimate goal should always be to find the best fit for the child who is in need. Child first. Do you know why? Because they are the most vulnerable party in any adoption and they are not able to advocate for their short-term needs, let alone their entire lifetime needs.

These days

The question I often ask myself is, “Are you paying attention, Em?” I do that because it is easy to take things and people for granted. I still have the scars from the deep losses I’ve felt, so I try extremely hard to listen when others open up about their own difficult histories. As humans we make life so messy sometimes, but when we find people who know the true meaning of struggle and defeat–it is really beautiful to see the reward of a life they have clearly fought hard for. I guess I have a special place in my heart for the stories of resilience and rebuilding.